I wanted to invite y'all to a meeting next week. Here is the flyer!
COOKEVILLE COMMUNITY LIGHTHOUSE
Tuesday, September 11, 2012 – 7:00 pm
Chelsea Place Properties
1150 East 10th Street
This month we are delighted to have a member of the Cookeville Leadership Team as our guest speaker, Staci Dunavant from Livingston, TN. Staci has been actively involved in Aglow since 2009 and she currently serves faithfully as the Vice President of Administration.
Staci was born in Garden Grove, CA and moved to Livingston at a young age. When she was first born again, the Lord placed a vision of ministering the Gospel to the brokenhearted, poor, and needy. Her heart grabbed a hold of that which the Lord had spoken over her and through many trials, tribulations and encounters with God she has sought to make the vision her life mission. When the Lord says “whom shall I send?”. Staci desires with all her heart to say “Here I am Lord, send me”.
Staci works for the Department of Human Services in Pickett County where she loves to improve the well-being of her clients through the love of God. She and her family attend the Livingston First United Methodist Church where she and her husband are leaders in the children’s ministry. She is actively involved with the “Emmaus of the Cumberland” and is also a volunteer teacher with the Overton County Jail Ministry.
Come and hear this mighty woman of God who has a passion to see people’s lives totally transformed by the AGAPE love of God. JESUS’ LOVE IS SO AMAZING!
AGLOW INTERNATIONAL is a global, trans-denominational Christian organization established in 166 nations on 6 continents. www.aglow.org
Officers:
Jimmie Ciaccio – President
Sandra Driller – Vice President Finance
Staci Dunavant – Vice President of Administration
Karen McNair – Liason
Advisor – Scott Northrup
Contact: Jimmie Ciaccio at 931.526.8562 for more information or directions.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
God is so faithful!!!
Well, it's been a while since I wrote in this blog. I just had to share what has been going on in our family. God has brought us through a season of fire and testing that has caused us to press into Him deeper than we have been. We have seen so many ups and downs, but one thing has remained: GOD IS STILL GOD AND WE ARE STILL NOT!! He is so faithful. I have cried out for so many areas to be healed but have made a feeble attempt to believe God for what didn't look to be so with the natural eye. I haven't always been the greatest at walking by faith and not by sight. I have allowed the pain and rejection to plant seeds of bitterness or unforgiveness into my heart that I didn't realize were causing my faith to stop at times. Instead, I should be constantly keeping my eyes on Jesus and giving him praise!!! He is worthy of all my focus!! Which leads me to today.
Before church, me and the kids were talking about how good God has been to us and how even though it doesn't look like we have a lot of money, God still owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He is still faithful. I told them that as we focus on HIM that we will become like HIM and that as we walk into church today, lets focus on HIS FACE and give HIM all that we have today. He is faithful and He is worthy of our praise. I talked with Mikayla about the "discernment" that she has begun to feel as she sits in services. She feels other people's pain just like I do. I told her that as she looks at Jesus in the service and gives him the pain that He will heal those with broken hearts.
We had went through Sunday School and into the worship service and Mikayla seemed to be having some pain and so we held hands and prayed for the ones that she was seeing and feeling. She released it and then I told her to let God have all her focus now. So, as the next song began to play which was off of the Passion 2012 CD called "The ony One"- See Lyrics below
"THE ONLY ONE"
I believe every heart needs a healer
Someone to walk through the fire
All I need I have found
Everyone is looking for a Savior
When it feels like the world is going under
All i need i have found
Chorus:
In my life, Jesus
More of You, Jesus
You are the One
You are the One
In everything, Jesus
My heart sings, Jesus
You are the One
You are the only One
Everyday there's a hope to remember
Yesterday's been washed in the water
All i need I have found
Chorus
I believe every heart needs a healer
Someone to walk through the fire
I have found
She began to get excited about Jesus. Now for those of you who know my little girl, you will know that she is not a very outward spoken personality like me. It's hard for her to express outwardly what she is going through inwardly. So, it was very exciting to see her coming out of her shell (which has been a long time prayer for her). I looked over and she was holding her precious little hands toward heaven and had her eyes closed and you could see God working with her and healing her heart. It was beautiful!!! Then, as the worship intensified, we began singing "The Great I AM" (lyrics below)
I wanna to be close close to your side
So heaven is real and death is a lie
I wanna hear voices of angels above
Singing as one
Hallelujah Holy Holy
God almighty Great I am
Who is worthy
None beside Thee
God Almighty
Great I Am
I wanna be near near to your heart
Loving the word hating the dark
I want to see dry bones living again
Singing as one
Chorus
Hallelujah
Holy Holy
God almighty Great I am
Who is worthy
None beside Thee
God Almighty
Great I Am
He's the Great I Am Great I Am
The mountains shake before Him
The demons run and flee
At the mention of the name
King of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
(Chorus)
Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
The mountains shake before Him
The demons run and flee
At the mention of the name
King of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
(chorus)
the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
Somewhere in the middle of this song, I looked over and caught a glimpse of heaven for Mikayla. I looked over and she had her hands held high in the air in front of all the people in the sanctuary and tears were streaming down her face. She was with her daddy and no one else was in the room. His Glory was all over her. I didn't dare touch her. I knew that He alone was doing a work on her that I didn't dare to hinder. I was so proud of her! We gave our baby's to God and now HE was bringing her into His presence through her worship of Him. She is pressing forward into Him and I am so loving to see it.
Anyway, if the day could get any better than that, we had prayed for Mikayla wanting to join the band at school. The natural didn't look like there was any way possible to make it happen. We have stretched and tightened up various things and to come up with 60.00 a month for an instrument looked tough, but we prayed and believed that if God put that desire into Mikayla's heart, then HE was going to provide the finances it would take. So, THAT HE DID. He provided in a way that she KNOWS HE DID IT. Not only did He make a way for us to rent an instrument, He actually provided a possible flute so that she would not have to rent an instrument. Hallelujah!!! God is so providing our every need!! He is still the miracle worker and HE STILL PARTS THE RED SEA!! You may say this is no big feat, but you don't realize MY GOD IS AMAZING. I will praise Him in these miracles and I KNOW that HE REIGNS. His GOODNESS leads us to repentance. We are turning to HIM and deciding to BELIEVE HE truly is the Great I AM!!! NO TURNING BACK!!! We shall walk by faith and not by sight!!!
Before church, me and the kids were talking about how good God has been to us and how even though it doesn't look like we have a lot of money, God still owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He is still faithful. I told them that as we focus on HIM that we will become like HIM and that as we walk into church today, lets focus on HIS FACE and give HIM all that we have today. He is faithful and He is worthy of our praise. I talked with Mikayla about the "discernment" that she has begun to feel as she sits in services. She feels other people's pain just like I do. I told her that as she looks at Jesus in the service and gives him the pain that He will heal those with broken hearts.
We had went through Sunday School and into the worship service and Mikayla seemed to be having some pain and so we held hands and prayed for the ones that she was seeing and feeling. She released it and then I told her to let God have all her focus now. So, as the next song began to play which was off of the Passion 2012 CD called "The ony One"- See Lyrics below
"THE ONLY ONE"
I believe every heart needs a healer
Someone to walk through the fire
All I need I have found
Everyone is looking for a Savior
When it feels like the world is going under
All i need i have found
Chorus:
In my life, Jesus
More of You, Jesus
You are the One
You are the One
In everything, Jesus
My heart sings, Jesus
You are the One
You are the only One
Everyday there's a hope to remember
Yesterday's been washed in the water
All i need I have found
Chorus
I believe every heart needs a healer
Someone to walk through the fire
I have found
She began to get excited about Jesus. Now for those of you who know my little girl, you will know that she is not a very outward spoken personality like me. It's hard for her to express outwardly what she is going through inwardly. So, it was very exciting to see her coming out of her shell (which has been a long time prayer for her). I looked over and she was holding her precious little hands toward heaven and had her eyes closed and you could see God working with her and healing her heart. It was beautiful!!! Then, as the worship intensified, we began singing "The Great I AM" (lyrics below)
I wanna to be close close to your side
So heaven is real and death is a lie
I wanna hear voices of angels above
Singing as one
Hallelujah Holy Holy
God almighty Great I am
Who is worthy
None beside Thee
God Almighty
Great I Am
I wanna be near near to your heart
Loving the word hating the dark
I want to see dry bones living again
Singing as one
Chorus
Hallelujah
Holy Holy
God almighty Great I am
Who is worthy
None beside Thee
God Almighty
Great I Am
He's the Great I Am Great I Am
The mountains shake before Him
The demons run and flee
At the mention of the name
King of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
(Chorus)
Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
The mountains shake before Him
The demons run and flee
At the mention of the name
King of Majesty
There is no power in hell
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
(chorus)
the Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am
The Great I am The Great I am The Great I am
Somewhere in the middle of this song, I looked over and caught a glimpse of heaven for Mikayla. I looked over and she had her hands held high in the air in front of all the people in the sanctuary and tears were streaming down her face. She was with her daddy and no one else was in the room. His Glory was all over her. I didn't dare touch her. I knew that He alone was doing a work on her that I didn't dare to hinder. I was so proud of her! We gave our baby's to God and now HE was bringing her into His presence through her worship of Him. She is pressing forward into Him and I am so loving to see it.
Anyway, if the day could get any better than that, we had prayed for Mikayla wanting to join the band at school. The natural didn't look like there was any way possible to make it happen. We have stretched and tightened up various things and to come up with 60.00 a month for an instrument looked tough, but we prayed and believed that if God put that desire into Mikayla's heart, then HE was going to provide the finances it would take. So, THAT HE DID. He provided in a way that she KNOWS HE DID IT. Not only did He make a way for us to rent an instrument, He actually provided a possible flute so that she would not have to rent an instrument. Hallelujah!!! God is so providing our every need!! He is still the miracle worker and HE STILL PARTS THE RED SEA!! You may say this is no big feat, but you don't realize MY GOD IS AMAZING. I will praise Him in these miracles and I KNOW that HE REIGNS. His GOODNESS leads us to repentance. We are turning to HIM and deciding to BELIEVE HE truly is the Great I AM!!! NO TURNING BACK!!! We shall walk by faith and not by sight!!!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Am I Ruined for the Ordinary (from 2/2012)
God always has a way of blowing my mind. Recently we read the book "Radical" by David Platt. The book has blown Our minds. Ever since the Lord got my attention back in 2000, I thought I was radical. However, since reading this book I have realized that I had a lot to learn. I have never had to walk barefoot 5 miles in the dark while hiding my Bible on my person just to meet with a group of 40 men in women dying to hear the word of God. How many of us are that hungry? Are we hungry enough to sit through long sermons? Are we hungry enough to read the Bible for hours a day? Are we hungry enough to sacrifice things that we hold dear? The more I get to know Him the more I get hungry for him. Nothing else will satisfy like Jesus. recently, I've been trying to learn more about the struggle inside us between sin and flesh and walking after the Spirit.
Word spoken and received over me on 4/27/12 by Ken Peters
For those of you who know me, this word will be a true testimony of the faithfulness of God in my life. He has wooed me from the time I was young. Even though I have been following Him for 10 years now, there were intense battles in my soul man that were keeping me down every now and then. It was like I just couldn't get them out no matter how much I testified or how much I prayed, fasted, and worshipped. I was beginning to think I was supposed to be like this and that I was going to have to accept them, BUT GOD......He is so amazing. He is right there when we need HIM the most. I am so thankful that Ken and Tonja Peters obeyed the voice of the Lord and came to LIvingston to reach us. Ken's brother's wife's funeral was yesterday and the Lord had Ken here ministering to me. Also, Tonja's grandma died yesterday, but yet they knew God said come. Guys, this life isn't about US, it's about HIM. Lord forgive me for ever trying to make this about me. I want to go where you send me and do what YOU SAY. Help me get there Lord. Help me quit trying to make worship about ME when it's all about you. My righteousness is like filthy rags. We need you Lord. Thank you for always feeding the hungry. Help us to go out and feed others. Here is the Word of Encouragement given to me from Ken Peters by Holy Spirit 4/27/12 at night. I will never be the same. I feel like Mary Magdalene today.
Staci, I hear the Lord say you are like a precious child in His Presence and I was sitting here when I was praying for Pastor Jeff and also Pastor Scott earlier and the Lord said to me “ that you are like those children that like to seek Him out to sit in His lap and be blessed and He says I am rinsing away totally and completely from your memory all the times that the opposite of that occurred as a child, even some things that can’t even be spoken because of the pain and even the shame of the adversary would try to place upon your memory banks, but the Lord says tonight that those memory banks are being rinsed clean and the Lord says there will be no residue of victimization in your life. He says to let you know from this day forward, you will be the victor teaches people how to come out of painful experiences even in such a way that those who harmed you will not be like a voice that you hear with pain or any form of resentment and the Lord says, I am putting in you the capacity to forgive completely and to release completely all that have wronged you and the Lord says I want to tell you that I am very sorry, my daughter that these things happened by those who claimed to have my name upon them for I am not a God that would use men to harm children. These were plants of the adversary, but the Lord says today you will use this testimony to bring many women and even men to a place of dignity and restoration of freedom and a sense of wholeness. The Lord says supernaturally I am doing this now this moment and supernaturally you will do this multitudes of times. You won’t carry the shame of a victim. You won’t carry the scarlet letter of shame. The Lord says I am delivering you of that completely and the Lord says I am restoring some things that I am going to make known to you in your heart without Earthly words being spoken right now and the Lord says be of good cheer! For Heaven has been waiting for this day for there are places being prepared for you in the heavenly dimensions, not just your heavenly home but the dimensions of the celestial realm where authority reigns on believers. For authority comes from God and must rest from on high on a man or a woman and the Lord says these places of authority over victimization and over abandonment issues and rejection issues and the question of Why? Why? Why me? The Lord says, those will never perpetrate your mind. They will never inflict pain on your soul ever again and the Lord says Your spirit is whole, Your soul is whole tonight for I have redeemed you. I have redeemed you completely and the Lord says You are my Ruth. There is no remembrance of being in that place of debtfulness where the people of God left Judah and went over into Moab. The Lord says you are not in Moab anymore. I am your Boaz. I have redeemed you I have redeemed you I have redeemed you says the Lord. And what I redeem, I perfect and I make all things new and the Lord says this night you are new and the Lord says let those words be on your lips every time you see yourself in the mirror or a photograph or everytime you condition yourself to do something for me. I am new!!! I am new!! And the Lord says there will be the obvious outpouring of a new person the new mentalities and even the pessimism that tries to sneak up on you at times about like things are going to go bad again like Murphys Law again. The LORD SAYS NO That won’t be your portion ever again! I have removed it tonight by my Grace and there will surely be says the Lord like a positive thinker inside of you, a faith deccreer, a faith declarer inside of you and you shall live by faith. The just shall live by faith and I have justified you long before the foundation of the world. I have bought you with my blood. I have purchased you and the Lord says now I take you into my own heart as my wife unto my possession unto my glorious bride and the Lord says never again (muffled something) for his cohorts or religion, or false men of God ever again be a pain in your heart or a sour taste in your mouth for I have liberated you and the Lord says like a dead body you have been carrying around that pain and that hurt of being taken advantage of, The Lord says I cut it off. It is no longer yours to bear. The Lord says receive my Peace. Receive My peace now from deliverance and wholeness is yours. Receive my Peace. Never again will there be a tear shed in this regard. The Lord says that there will be times that you will cry for the others that you minister to and the Lord says where you were robbed of something special, the Lord says I am going to give you, like Mother Hubbard, so many children that you will wonder if your cupboards can feed them, can oversee them. But the Lord says “I know what I am doing and I am a God who restores ALL THINGS and I make ALL THINGS work together for good to those who love me and are called according to my purpose. Satan you are a defeated foe. The blood of Jesus is against you and we say to you satan, The LORD REBUKE YOU!!! Never again can you put your hands on her mind or soul. You cannot touch her heart. You are defeated. We send you away to some far dry place never again to find a map back to this region. Amen!!!!
Monday, April 23, 2012
My beginning testimony
We were asked to share our testimony and This is what parts of it I shared. Really, it's just the beginning of what the Lord did in my life. There are so many other testimonies that I could share! He has healed, delivered and totally set me free. He has brought this little miss "nothing" and raised my life up on several occasions for HIS GLORY. There is no greater God than Jehovah!!!! Thank you Jesus for making this possible!!! Thank you Holy Spirit for leading me to Him!!!
I grew up with a single mother of 3 kids with no father. There were times when my mom would try to find babysitters, but there was not a lot of choices based on her income. She was left to leave me with people who treated me less than loving and violated me physically, emotionally, and sexually. When she couldn’t afford one, I was left alone at home a lot with my baby sister while my mom went out and did the best she could to work and provide a roof over our heads. There were many nights when there would be shootings in the alley just outside of the apartment in Anaheim, CA that we lived in. It was just normal everyday life in our neighborhood. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but somehow as I grew up, I realized just how much I had been through in the formative years of my childhood. We had finally moved to TN into a more stable environment when I was about 12 years old, but by then, I had already been a little warped. I am person with a very big heart so the wounds were very deep and shook the core of my being.
I tried to fit into the mold when we moved here and tried to be a good daughter, but the pain that was in my heart was so “indescribable” that I wasn’t able to communicate it well to other people. I was very “misunderstood” and was unable to process the pain. Needless to say, I was not an easy child to handle. I was very needy and most people could not meet my needs. I carried a lot of shame and guilt for the way I was and I really wanted to be different. I wanted to be like other kids who were happy and content. I knew I was “different” than most kids and often felt like I was nothing but a failure. I didn’t fit into most people’s molds and it caused me to feel “left out” most of the time lacking affection. This caused me to try to find people that loved me and to latch on to the first people that showed me any affection. Thus, I ended up living my later teenage and early adult years in various promiscuous ways. I was a very social person because I did not want to be alone. I yearned for affection and rarely found anyone that could approach me to give me the affection that I needed.
I lived with my fiancé’s parents my junior and senior year of high school. They loved me like their own child and brought me to church with them. I felt like I fit in and tried not to do anything that would cause them to not love me anymore. They brought me to church, but I remember it made me want to hide all my sins from them so that they wouldn’t throw me out. The UNCONDITIONAL LOVE was not there. As time went on, it became harder and harder to hide the real messed up me and I eventually broke up with their son and could no longer live with them. I tried going to church with other friends in my life. We would party and drink alcohol together and then go to church with their parents at times. I remember one night, we went to Faith Outreach Worship Center for a revival they were having. There were people lined up for prayer and sometimes they would fall on the ground. They would get up smiling like they enjoyed it. I wanted to see what that was all about so I went up. They laid their hands on me and I felt warm and tingly. I had NO CLUE what I experienced. It felt like my insides were changed. For a couple of weeks after that, I had some peace. However, I didn’t have a “relationship” with Jesus yet, so it quickly diminished and I was left empty.
There were several various relationships in and out of my life through the years, but none of them were able to fill this “God shaped hole” in my heart. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was not married. I knew that was a “sin” and so I tried to make it right by marrying my child’s father. So, we were about to become two very wounded souls trying to raise a child. I remember the night I came home from the hospital with my precious baby girl, we found out that the trailer that we had just moved out of shortly before she was born had burned to the ground that night. I remember thinking that God Himself had protected us and that He was trying to get my attention. I told him I would try to go to church with my child and live right.
I had went to a couple of churches in town, but never felt compelled to stay there. I just didn’t have any peace. I knew there was more in churches because I had “felt” God before. I fell into a deep depression and had a hard time managing my daily life. Then, when I was finally at the end of my rope in 2001, the Lord planted a very different type of “Christian” in my path. This woman was one that LOVED everyone. She truly was an example of God’s amazing grace. I watched her and began to trust her. I began to share my problems with her. I told her that I was a Christian because I had gone to church and that I was looking for a church. I told her how bad I felt and that I couldn’t even find comfort in church. I told her I would like to find one of them exciting churches like I had been to before. I knew I needed God’s help. She shared her experience at the “Altar” with me. She told me that anytime that she was burdened down, she could go to the “Altar” and God would lift those burdens from her. WOW!!!! I knew I had to find that “Altar” she was talking about. So, that Sunday morning, I got up and got dressed for church with a determination that I was going to touch Jesus and He was going to lift my burdens at that altar. I left the house that morning by myself and told my husband that I needed to go. I remember him being concerned that I was going to become a religious person. I told him “Don’t worry; I am not going to go getting religious on you or anything. I just need help with my depression”. Ha ha, God will let you believe what you need to believe to get us where HE NEEDS US TO BE. HE KNOWS THE END FROM THE BEGINNING. Man looks on the outside, BUT GOD looks at the heart. Ok, So I got to church and the music had barely started playing when I looked to Nancy Hughes and said “Can I go up there now?” She said the “altar is always open and you can go up there anytime you want”. For those of you who know me, this is the reason I like that the altar doesn’t have to be “opened up”, but that we are always free to go up there at any given point and time. As I laid myself down at that altar with my whole heart, I remember thinking ‘God, if you will help me, I will stay in church and I will do what you ask me to’. Little did I know that His touch would cause a passion in me that could not be contained in the four walls of a church. When all the burdens were lifted from me, I got up from that altar and knew that I would never be the same. The LOVE I felt in my heart that day was beyond anything I had ever known. I KNEW for the first time in my life that I was LOVED and that God Himself was my protector and that I was HIS and HE was mine. He made me whole and complete inside for the first time in my entire life. It was just a taste of what He would bring me to later in life.
I was used to being the odd ball in a group, so as usual, I didn’t fit into the mold of a typical Christian either, but that didn’t bother me. God had already prepared me. I had such a new found freedom that I couldn’t explain and I wanted to learn more about what happened to me. I knew I was different on the inside and I had a new nature about me. Why was I different when I hadn’t done anything? As I began to get into the Bible, I found myself in the pages of the Word contained there. I began to realize that I was HIS before I was ever born and that He had been wooing me back my whole life. I learned that those negative things that happened in my life were just the enemy trying to cause me to be destroyed, BUT GOD who is rich in Mercy had already redeemed me before I ever knew to come to Him. I learned that the very depths of my heart were created for worship to God and that He was truly the only one ever worthy of worship. I learned that He gives us the Holy Spirit so that once we have been set free and have been given the Holy Spirit, we can now go out in HIS POWER to make DISCIPLES everywhere we go. I learned that no matter what comes against us in life, that God has our back and is able to cause “All things to work together for our good”. I learned that as I empty myself out, that God fills me back up. I have had a deep relationship with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. As I have walked with the Holy Spirit and talked with Him, He has taught me so much about the sacrificial LOVE of God. He has brought me through trials and tribulations that have caused me to know God the Father as: Adonai- My Lord and Master, Jehovah Jireh- My, Provider, Jehovah Rapha- the Lord My Healer, Jehovah Raah – The Lord my Shepherd/Protector, Jehovah Shammah- The Lord is There, Jehovah Tsidkenu – The Lord our Righteousness, and Jehovah Shalom- The Lord MY PEACE! There are many other names of God that I have learned personally and there are many more that I have yet to learn intimately. I look forward to a lifetime of continually learning just how amazing our God is. He continues to “blow my mind” everyday. I am so thankful that He has placed me in a group of believers that is just as in love with Him as I am. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. This life is not about us, but instead it is about building the Kingdom of God here on earth. I pray that I am able to do that more and more as the years go on. I will GO where He sends me and I will STAY where HE tells me to stay. I know my life has a KINGDOM purpose and I am NOT MY OWN, but I am BOUGHT with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, not just my SAVIOR, but also MY LORD!!!!
I grew up with a single mother of 3 kids with no father. There were times when my mom would try to find babysitters, but there was not a lot of choices based on her income. She was left to leave me with people who treated me less than loving and violated me physically, emotionally, and sexually. When she couldn’t afford one, I was left alone at home a lot with my baby sister while my mom went out and did the best she could to work and provide a roof over our heads. There were many nights when there would be shootings in the alley just outside of the apartment in Anaheim, CA that we lived in. It was just normal everyday life in our neighborhood. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but somehow as I grew up, I realized just how much I had been through in the formative years of my childhood. We had finally moved to TN into a more stable environment when I was about 12 years old, but by then, I had already been a little warped. I am person with a very big heart so the wounds were very deep and shook the core of my being.
I tried to fit into the mold when we moved here and tried to be a good daughter, but the pain that was in my heart was so “indescribable” that I wasn’t able to communicate it well to other people. I was very “misunderstood” and was unable to process the pain. Needless to say, I was not an easy child to handle. I was very needy and most people could not meet my needs. I carried a lot of shame and guilt for the way I was and I really wanted to be different. I wanted to be like other kids who were happy and content. I knew I was “different” than most kids and often felt like I was nothing but a failure. I didn’t fit into most people’s molds and it caused me to feel “left out” most of the time lacking affection. This caused me to try to find people that loved me and to latch on to the first people that showed me any affection. Thus, I ended up living my later teenage and early adult years in various promiscuous ways. I was a very social person because I did not want to be alone. I yearned for affection and rarely found anyone that could approach me to give me the affection that I needed.
I lived with my fiancé’s parents my junior and senior year of high school. They loved me like their own child and brought me to church with them. I felt like I fit in and tried not to do anything that would cause them to not love me anymore. They brought me to church, but I remember it made me want to hide all my sins from them so that they wouldn’t throw me out. The UNCONDITIONAL LOVE was not there. As time went on, it became harder and harder to hide the real messed up me and I eventually broke up with their son and could no longer live with them. I tried going to church with other friends in my life. We would party and drink alcohol together and then go to church with their parents at times. I remember one night, we went to Faith Outreach Worship Center for a revival they were having. There were people lined up for prayer and sometimes they would fall on the ground. They would get up smiling like they enjoyed it. I wanted to see what that was all about so I went up. They laid their hands on me and I felt warm and tingly. I had NO CLUE what I experienced. It felt like my insides were changed. For a couple of weeks after that, I had some peace. However, I didn’t have a “relationship” with Jesus yet, so it quickly diminished and I was left empty.
There were several various relationships in and out of my life through the years, but none of them were able to fill this “God shaped hole” in my heart. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was not married. I knew that was a “sin” and so I tried to make it right by marrying my child’s father. So, we were about to become two very wounded souls trying to raise a child. I remember the night I came home from the hospital with my precious baby girl, we found out that the trailer that we had just moved out of shortly before she was born had burned to the ground that night. I remember thinking that God Himself had protected us and that He was trying to get my attention. I told him I would try to go to church with my child and live right.
I had went to a couple of churches in town, but never felt compelled to stay there. I just didn’t have any peace. I knew there was more in churches because I had “felt” God before. I fell into a deep depression and had a hard time managing my daily life. Then, when I was finally at the end of my rope in 2001, the Lord planted a very different type of “Christian” in my path. This woman was one that LOVED everyone. She truly was an example of God’s amazing grace. I watched her and began to trust her. I began to share my problems with her. I told her that I was a Christian because I had gone to church and that I was looking for a church. I told her how bad I felt and that I couldn’t even find comfort in church. I told her I would like to find one of them exciting churches like I had been to before. I knew I needed God’s help. She shared her experience at the “Altar” with me. She told me that anytime that she was burdened down, she could go to the “Altar” and God would lift those burdens from her. WOW!!!! I knew I had to find that “Altar” she was talking about. So, that Sunday morning, I got up and got dressed for church with a determination that I was going to touch Jesus and He was going to lift my burdens at that altar. I left the house that morning by myself and told my husband that I needed to go. I remember him being concerned that I was going to become a religious person. I told him “Don’t worry; I am not going to go getting religious on you or anything. I just need help with my depression”. Ha ha, God will let you believe what you need to believe to get us where HE NEEDS US TO BE. HE KNOWS THE END FROM THE BEGINNING. Man looks on the outside, BUT GOD looks at the heart. Ok, So I got to church and the music had barely started playing when I looked to Nancy Hughes and said “Can I go up there now?” She said the “altar is always open and you can go up there anytime you want”. For those of you who know me, this is the reason I like that the altar doesn’t have to be “opened up”, but that we are always free to go up there at any given point and time. As I laid myself down at that altar with my whole heart, I remember thinking ‘God, if you will help me, I will stay in church and I will do what you ask me to’. Little did I know that His touch would cause a passion in me that could not be contained in the four walls of a church. When all the burdens were lifted from me, I got up from that altar and knew that I would never be the same. The LOVE I felt in my heart that day was beyond anything I had ever known. I KNEW for the first time in my life that I was LOVED and that God Himself was my protector and that I was HIS and HE was mine. He made me whole and complete inside for the first time in my entire life. It was just a taste of what He would bring me to later in life.
I was used to being the odd ball in a group, so as usual, I didn’t fit into the mold of a typical Christian either, but that didn’t bother me. God had already prepared me. I had such a new found freedom that I couldn’t explain and I wanted to learn more about what happened to me. I knew I was different on the inside and I had a new nature about me. Why was I different when I hadn’t done anything? As I began to get into the Bible, I found myself in the pages of the Word contained there. I began to realize that I was HIS before I was ever born and that He had been wooing me back my whole life. I learned that those negative things that happened in my life were just the enemy trying to cause me to be destroyed, BUT GOD who is rich in Mercy had already redeemed me before I ever knew to come to Him. I learned that the very depths of my heart were created for worship to God and that He was truly the only one ever worthy of worship. I learned that He gives us the Holy Spirit so that once we have been set free and have been given the Holy Spirit, we can now go out in HIS POWER to make DISCIPLES everywhere we go. I learned that no matter what comes against us in life, that God has our back and is able to cause “All things to work together for our good”. I learned that as I empty myself out, that God fills me back up. I have had a deep relationship with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. As I have walked with the Holy Spirit and talked with Him, He has taught me so much about the sacrificial LOVE of God. He has brought me through trials and tribulations that have caused me to know God the Father as: Adonai- My Lord and Master, Jehovah Jireh- My, Provider, Jehovah Rapha- the Lord My Healer, Jehovah Raah – The Lord my Shepherd/Protector, Jehovah Shammah- The Lord is There, Jehovah Tsidkenu – The Lord our Righteousness, and Jehovah Shalom- The Lord MY PEACE! There are many other names of God that I have learned personally and there are many more that I have yet to learn intimately. I look forward to a lifetime of continually learning just how amazing our God is. He continues to “blow my mind” everyday. I am so thankful that He has placed me in a group of believers that is just as in love with Him as I am. He knows exactly what we need and when we need it. This life is not about us, but instead it is about building the Kingdom of God here on earth. I pray that I am able to do that more and more as the years go on. I will GO where He sends me and I will STAY where HE tells me to stay. I know my life has a KINGDOM purpose and I am NOT MY OWN, but I am BOUGHT with the precious blood of Jesus Christ, not just my SAVIOR, but also MY LORD!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
The Last Few Months
The last few months have been times of pressing in. Ok the last year and a half maybe, but the last few months more intense. I had been praying that the Lord get me and my family ready for what is coming. Unfortunately, that often means that the flesh must suffer things. He will go to great lengths to prepare us. He will allow suffering in the flesh to cause us to be able to walk in fullness of joy in the spirit. I had gotten sick with that cold that seemed to last forever and was weak and worn out. I realized that I didn't have any more strength and I was in a good place. I had some weak days and flesh was screaming out, but His spirit was interceding on my behalf and God was in control and I was out of control. It doesn't seem like a good place to be, but it really was. Then after that battle, things at home were stretched even farther on all ends of the spectrum. There was an internal fight in me going on and I felt like I was dying at times. Little did I know, I was. I was dying to self and living in Him alone. I kept hearing that this was the dark night of my soul. I sure hope that doesn't have to happen again. It was so intense and so horrible at times that I didn't know if I was even a Christian. How crazy is that??
So, going through all of these internal and external battles, I did all that I knew to do and stood and when I was done standing, I stood some more. I read my journals and words that the Lord has spoken to me and claimed everything that HE SAID HE WOULD DO. I refuse to give up. There were several times in the last couple of months or so that I REALLY wanted to give up though. I had to fight through them. Thankfully, He has me around strong believers who encouraged me to keep my eyes on Him. This is the only way to get through anything. If we worship with all that we have and keep reminding ourselves of how big our God is, we can make it through ANYTHING. We shall overcome satan's schemes by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony and by not loving our lives even unto death.
So anyway, then all of a sudden, in the most intense time, we have a set of tornadoes on a Friday night that swept through our community and hit my sister's house and many many more. Then, while still dealing with the destruction, my brother goes to the Emergency Room with severe headaches that won't go away and they are concerned he might have an aneurism. So, now he is getting tests taken. Then, the very next week, I get a call and they inform me that my father has been found dead. It's just been a crazy ride. It's all an occasion to testify to the goodness of God though. He is faithful and is going to complete what HE HAS STARTED. I will cling to HIS HAND and know that there is no other way but JESUS. HE IS WORTH THE JOURNEY!!! I have made up in my mind that I will NOT GIVE UP!!! I will keep fighting the good fight of faith and will be victorious in all through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me!!!!
This has seemed like another Goliath season in my life, but I feel more like David this time around saying "The Lord helped me defeat the Lion and the Bear, WHAT IS THIS to HIM??? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Though my flesh is weak, the Lord is giving me strength by keeping me in His presence where there is fullness of JOY.
I will keep moving FORWARD and the only reason I have to look back is to remember all that God has brought me through and has caused me to see victory in my life. HE HAS DONE IT!!! He will continue until it is complete.
So, going through all of these internal and external battles, I did all that I knew to do and stood and when I was done standing, I stood some more. I read my journals and words that the Lord has spoken to me and claimed everything that HE SAID HE WOULD DO. I refuse to give up. There were several times in the last couple of months or so that I REALLY wanted to give up though. I had to fight through them. Thankfully, He has me around strong believers who encouraged me to keep my eyes on Him. This is the only way to get through anything. If we worship with all that we have and keep reminding ourselves of how big our God is, we can make it through ANYTHING. We shall overcome satan's schemes by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony and by not loving our lives even unto death.
So anyway, then all of a sudden, in the most intense time, we have a set of tornadoes on a Friday night that swept through our community and hit my sister's house and many many more. Then, while still dealing with the destruction, my brother goes to the Emergency Room with severe headaches that won't go away and they are concerned he might have an aneurism. So, now he is getting tests taken. Then, the very next week, I get a call and they inform me that my father has been found dead. It's just been a crazy ride. It's all an occasion to testify to the goodness of God though. He is faithful and is going to complete what HE HAS STARTED. I will cling to HIS HAND and know that there is no other way but JESUS. HE IS WORTH THE JOURNEY!!! I have made up in my mind that I will NOT GIVE UP!!! I will keep fighting the good fight of faith and will be victorious in all through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me!!!!
This has seemed like another Goliath season in my life, but I feel more like David this time around saying "The Lord helped me defeat the Lion and the Bear, WHAT IS THIS to HIM??? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Though my flesh is weak, the Lord is giving me strength by keeping me in His presence where there is fullness of JOY.
I will keep moving FORWARD and the only reason I have to look back is to remember all that God has brought me through and has caused me to see victory in my life. HE HAS DONE IT!!! He will continue until it is complete.
God's Grace and My Dad
I just wanted to share things going on in the last few months/years of my life. The Lord has been so faithful and gracious to me in that He has answered my prayers to "get me ready". I had been going to deeper and more intimate levels of fellowshipping with the Lord than I had ever been. I have had a hunger for the Word that was more than I have ever had over the last couple of years. I have been learning how to enter into His Presence (in me) and worshipping deeper than ever. This last couple of years have been a time of renewal and waking up. I have been learning to sit under the fountain and receive so that I can pour out. It has NOT been pretty at times, but the Lord has been providing EVERYTHING I need when I need it and not a moment too soon nor a moment too late (Thank you Daddy).
A couple of years ago, I was worshipping and I felt like the Lord was telling me that He was going to restore the broken relationships. There were two people that immediately came to my mind--My dad and my husband's brother Jason. Well, it wasn't long after that I finally found my dad again. Our relationship had always been kind of odd (surprise surprise right?) I met him when I was 21 and we maintained contact off and on. He lived in Oklahoma City and if I wanted to find him, I would call "Truelove's Pool Hall" and they would get back with me. It wasn't an ideal relationship at that point. He had a lot of craziness in his life at this point, but he was trying the best he could in the way he knew how. I believe I must be a lot like him. I am a little hard to understand at times, but my heart is sincere and the Lord knows that. I remeber before I was ever a Christian back in 1996, my dad mailed me my very first bible. It had my name on it. He knew I needed one. :) At that point in my life though, I felt that if I went to a church, a big lightening bolt would come strike me dead. However, I read some of it. Not a lot, but some. It must have been enough to cause me to reach out a few years later though. :)
Well, then in 2003 when I had my son, I got a call from dad saying that he had run out of his resources in Oklahoma and was going to come and try to make it in TN. He was a pool player and made his living in the pool halls. It wasn't the best of all professions, but he made it somehow. So, he came to TN. He stayed at our house about a month. Then, he said he was going to stay with a friend closer in Cookeville and would call us when he got more settled in. We never heard back from him. At times, I would run into people that spent time in pool halls and I would ask them if they knew Bruce Gosselin. They would say he was still living. I would give them my name and number and send it by them to my dad. I went through feelings of rejection all over again. Only this time, my dad knew me and still didn't want to be around me. OR SO I THOUGHT. However, this wasn't the case. In his mind, he didn't want to be a burden to me and the kids, so he stayed away. He wanted to have a stable place to stay before he was a part of my life. It was warped, but it was the way satan worked to keep us apart. However, God is so much bigger than satan and has a way to restore all brokenness!! This was something that was near and dear to my heart and it caused me many sleepless nights so God made a way for us to meet once again. In January 2010, I found him once again. He was so happy that I found him. He said he knew I would. We talked through all the pain of how things were done and how it hurt and that I didn't want him to do me that way ever again. He worked at maintaining this relationship with me and never giving up. He fell in love with his grand kids and invested all his attention to them when they were around. We didn't have many times together, but the times that we had were quality times. We all knew he loved us and we all knew that he didn't want to lose us! Somehow, this helped in the healing process of all the pain of the past. I am thankful for that!
Well, in October of 2010, I decided to do more detective work and I ordered a free 3 day trial of a website to find family members. I found my cousin in Chino Hills, CA and talked with her. Within a week, my dad and his sister talked for the first time in about 30 years. Once again, we had seen yet another restoration of relationship. It was glorious!!! Then, about 3 or 4 months ago, my dad was able to talk to my cousin and cause him and his sister to start talking again. He poured into my cousin's life and was so thankful that he was able to help him. He thought he might have done some good. (This was huge for my dad) Come to find out, he turned his life around and really began restoring relationships in his life. So, the circle was complete. God turned his latter into greater than his former. His life had value and he now knew it. He didn't have many friends, but the ones that he had he impacted in a powerful way.
I have learned from my dad and for this I am thankful!!
A couple of years ago, I was worshipping and I felt like the Lord was telling me that He was going to restore the broken relationships. There were two people that immediately came to my mind--My dad and my husband's brother Jason. Well, it wasn't long after that I finally found my dad again. Our relationship had always been kind of odd (surprise surprise right?) I met him when I was 21 and we maintained contact off and on. He lived in Oklahoma City and if I wanted to find him, I would call "Truelove's Pool Hall" and they would get back with me. It wasn't an ideal relationship at that point. He had a lot of craziness in his life at this point, but he was trying the best he could in the way he knew how. I believe I must be a lot like him. I am a little hard to understand at times, but my heart is sincere and the Lord knows that. I remeber before I was ever a Christian back in 1996, my dad mailed me my very first bible. It had my name on it. He knew I needed one. :) At that point in my life though, I felt that if I went to a church, a big lightening bolt would come strike me dead. However, I read some of it. Not a lot, but some. It must have been enough to cause me to reach out a few years later though. :)
Well, then in 2003 when I had my son, I got a call from dad saying that he had run out of his resources in Oklahoma and was going to come and try to make it in TN. He was a pool player and made his living in the pool halls. It wasn't the best of all professions, but he made it somehow. So, he came to TN. He stayed at our house about a month. Then, he said he was going to stay with a friend closer in Cookeville and would call us when he got more settled in. We never heard back from him. At times, I would run into people that spent time in pool halls and I would ask them if they knew Bruce Gosselin. They would say he was still living. I would give them my name and number and send it by them to my dad. I went through feelings of rejection all over again. Only this time, my dad knew me and still didn't want to be around me. OR SO I THOUGHT. However, this wasn't the case. In his mind, he didn't want to be a burden to me and the kids, so he stayed away. He wanted to have a stable place to stay before he was a part of my life. It was warped, but it was the way satan worked to keep us apart. However, God is so much bigger than satan and has a way to restore all brokenness!! This was something that was near and dear to my heart and it caused me many sleepless nights so God made a way for us to meet once again. In January 2010, I found him once again. He was so happy that I found him. He said he knew I would. We talked through all the pain of how things were done and how it hurt and that I didn't want him to do me that way ever again. He worked at maintaining this relationship with me and never giving up. He fell in love with his grand kids and invested all his attention to them when they were around. We didn't have many times together, but the times that we had were quality times. We all knew he loved us and we all knew that he didn't want to lose us! Somehow, this helped in the healing process of all the pain of the past. I am thankful for that!
Well, in October of 2010, I decided to do more detective work and I ordered a free 3 day trial of a website to find family members. I found my cousin in Chino Hills, CA and talked with her. Within a week, my dad and his sister talked for the first time in about 30 years. Once again, we had seen yet another restoration of relationship. It was glorious!!! Then, about 3 or 4 months ago, my dad was able to talk to my cousin and cause him and his sister to start talking again. He poured into my cousin's life and was so thankful that he was able to help him. He thought he might have done some good. (This was huge for my dad) Come to find out, he turned his life around and really began restoring relationships in his life. So, the circle was complete. God turned his latter into greater than his former. His life had value and he now knew it. He didn't have many friends, but the ones that he had he impacted in a powerful way.
I have learned from my dad and for this I am thankful!!
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