The last few months have been times of pressing in. Ok the last year and a half maybe, but the last few months more intense. I had been praying that the Lord get me and my family ready for what is coming. Unfortunately, that often means that the flesh must suffer things. He will go to great lengths to prepare us. He will allow suffering in the flesh to cause us to be able to walk in fullness of joy in the spirit. I had gotten sick with that cold that seemed to last forever and was weak and worn out. I realized that I didn't have any more strength and I was in a good place. I had some weak days and flesh was screaming out, but His spirit was interceding on my behalf and God was in control and I was out of control. It doesn't seem like a good place to be, but it really was. Then after that battle, things at home were stretched even farther on all ends of the spectrum. There was an internal fight in me going on and I felt like I was dying at times. Little did I know, I was. I was dying to self and living in Him alone. I kept hearing that this was the dark night of my soul. I sure hope that doesn't have to happen again. It was so intense and so horrible at times that I didn't know if I was even a Christian. How crazy is that??
So, going through all of these internal and external battles, I did all that I knew to do and stood and when I was done standing, I stood some more. I read my journals and words that the Lord has spoken to me and claimed everything that HE SAID HE WOULD DO. I refuse to give up. There were several times in the last couple of months or so that I REALLY wanted to give up though. I had to fight through them. Thankfully, He has me around strong believers who encouraged me to keep my eyes on Him. This is the only way to get through anything. If we worship with all that we have and keep reminding ourselves of how big our God is, we can make it through ANYTHING. We shall overcome satan's schemes by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony and by not loving our lives even unto death.
So anyway, then all of a sudden, in the most intense time, we have a set of tornadoes on a Friday night that swept through our community and hit my sister's house and many many more. Then, while still dealing with the destruction, my brother goes to the Emergency Room with severe headaches that won't go away and they are concerned he might have an aneurism. So, now he is getting tests taken. Then, the very next week, I get a call and they inform me that my father has been found dead. It's just been a crazy ride. It's all an occasion to testify to the goodness of God though. He is faithful and is going to complete what HE HAS STARTED. I will cling to HIS HAND and know that there is no other way but JESUS. HE IS WORTH THE JOURNEY!!! I have made up in my mind that I will NOT GIVE UP!!! I will keep fighting the good fight of faith and will be victorious in all through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me!!!!
This has seemed like another Goliath season in my life, but I feel more like David this time around saying "The Lord helped me defeat the Lion and the Bear, WHAT IS THIS to HIM??? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Though my flesh is weak, the Lord is giving me strength by keeping me in His presence where there is fullness of JOY.
I will keep moving FORWARD and the only reason I have to look back is to remember all that God has brought me through and has caused me to see victory in my life. HE HAS DONE IT!!! He will continue until it is complete.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
God's Grace and My Dad
I just wanted to share things going on in the last few months/years of my life. The Lord has been so faithful and gracious to me in that He has answered my prayers to "get me ready". I had been going to deeper and more intimate levels of fellowshipping with the Lord than I had ever been. I have had a hunger for the Word that was more than I have ever had over the last couple of years. I have been learning how to enter into His Presence (in me) and worshipping deeper than ever. This last couple of years have been a time of renewal and waking up. I have been learning to sit under the fountain and receive so that I can pour out. It has NOT been pretty at times, but the Lord has been providing EVERYTHING I need when I need it and not a moment too soon nor a moment too late (Thank you Daddy).
A couple of years ago, I was worshipping and I felt like the Lord was telling me that He was going to restore the broken relationships. There were two people that immediately came to my mind--My dad and my husband's brother Jason. Well, it wasn't long after that I finally found my dad again. Our relationship had always been kind of odd (surprise surprise right?) I met him when I was 21 and we maintained contact off and on. He lived in Oklahoma City and if I wanted to find him, I would call "Truelove's Pool Hall" and they would get back with me. It wasn't an ideal relationship at that point. He had a lot of craziness in his life at this point, but he was trying the best he could in the way he knew how. I believe I must be a lot like him. I am a little hard to understand at times, but my heart is sincere and the Lord knows that. I remeber before I was ever a Christian back in 1996, my dad mailed me my very first bible. It had my name on it. He knew I needed one. :) At that point in my life though, I felt that if I went to a church, a big lightening bolt would come strike me dead. However, I read some of it. Not a lot, but some. It must have been enough to cause me to reach out a few years later though. :)
Well, then in 2003 when I had my son, I got a call from dad saying that he had run out of his resources in Oklahoma and was going to come and try to make it in TN. He was a pool player and made his living in the pool halls. It wasn't the best of all professions, but he made it somehow. So, he came to TN. He stayed at our house about a month. Then, he said he was going to stay with a friend closer in Cookeville and would call us when he got more settled in. We never heard back from him. At times, I would run into people that spent time in pool halls and I would ask them if they knew Bruce Gosselin. They would say he was still living. I would give them my name and number and send it by them to my dad. I went through feelings of rejection all over again. Only this time, my dad knew me and still didn't want to be around me. OR SO I THOUGHT. However, this wasn't the case. In his mind, he didn't want to be a burden to me and the kids, so he stayed away. He wanted to have a stable place to stay before he was a part of my life. It was warped, but it was the way satan worked to keep us apart. However, God is so much bigger than satan and has a way to restore all brokenness!! This was something that was near and dear to my heart and it caused me many sleepless nights so God made a way for us to meet once again. In January 2010, I found him once again. He was so happy that I found him. He said he knew I would. We talked through all the pain of how things were done and how it hurt and that I didn't want him to do me that way ever again. He worked at maintaining this relationship with me and never giving up. He fell in love with his grand kids and invested all his attention to them when they were around. We didn't have many times together, but the times that we had were quality times. We all knew he loved us and we all knew that he didn't want to lose us! Somehow, this helped in the healing process of all the pain of the past. I am thankful for that!
Well, in October of 2010, I decided to do more detective work and I ordered a free 3 day trial of a website to find family members. I found my cousin in Chino Hills, CA and talked with her. Within a week, my dad and his sister talked for the first time in about 30 years. Once again, we had seen yet another restoration of relationship. It was glorious!!! Then, about 3 or 4 months ago, my dad was able to talk to my cousin and cause him and his sister to start talking again. He poured into my cousin's life and was so thankful that he was able to help him. He thought he might have done some good. (This was huge for my dad) Come to find out, he turned his life around and really began restoring relationships in his life. So, the circle was complete. God turned his latter into greater than his former. His life had value and he now knew it. He didn't have many friends, but the ones that he had he impacted in a powerful way.
I have learned from my dad and for this I am thankful!!
A couple of years ago, I was worshipping and I felt like the Lord was telling me that He was going to restore the broken relationships. There were two people that immediately came to my mind--My dad and my husband's brother Jason. Well, it wasn't long after that I finally found my dad again. Our relationship had always been kind of odd (surprise surprise right?) I met him when I was 21 and we maintained contact off and on. He lived in Oklahoma City and if I wanted to find him, I would call "Truelove's Pool Hall" and they would get back with me. It wasn't an ideal relationship at that point. He had a lot of craziness in his life at this point, but he was trying the best he could in the way he knew how. I believe I must be a lot like him. I am a little hard to understand at times, but my heart is sincere and the Lord knows that. I remeber before I was ever a Christian back in 1996, my dad mailed me my very first bible. It had my name on it. He knew I needed one. :) At that point in my life though, I felt that if I went to a church, a big lightening bolt would come strike me dead. However, I read some of it. Not a lot, but some. It must have been enough to cause me to reach out a few years later though. :)
Well, then in 2003 when I had my son, I got a call from dad saying that he had run out of his resources in Oklahoma and was going to come and try to make it in TN. He was a pool player and made his living in the pool halls. It wasn't the best of all professions, but he made it somehow. So, he came to TN. He stayed at our house about a month. Then, he said he was going to stay with a friend closer in Cookeville and would call us when he got more settled in. We never heard back from him. At times, I would run into people that spent time in pool halls and I would ask them if they knew Bruce Gosselin. They would say he was still living. I would give them my name and number and send it by them to my dad. I went through feelings of rejection all over again. Only this time, my dad knew me and still didn't want to be around me. OR SO I THOUGHT. However, this wasn't the case. In his mind, he didn't want to be a burden to me and the kids, so he stayed away. He wanted to have a stable place to stay before he was a part of my life. It was warped, but it was the way satan worked to keep us apart. However, God is so much bigger than satan and has a way to restore all brokenness!! This was something that was near and dear to my heart and it caused me many sleepless nights so God made a way for us to meet once again. In January 2010, I found him once again. He was so happy that I found him. He said he knew I would. We talked through all the pain of how things were done and how it hurt and that I didn't want him to do me that way ever again. He worked at maintaining this relationship with me and never giving up. He fell in love with his grand kids and invested all his attention to them when they were around. We didn't have many times together, but the times that we had were quality times. We all knew he loved us and we all knew that he didn't want to lose us! Somehow, this helped in the healing process of all the pain of the past. I am thankful for that!
Well, in October of 2010, I decided to do more detective work and I ordered a free 3 day trial of a website to find family members. I found my cousin in Chino Hills, CA and talked with her. Within a week, my dad and his sister talked for the first time in about 30 years. Once again, we had seen yet another restoration of relationship. It was glorious!!! Then, about 3 or 4 months ago, my dad was able to talk to my cousin and cause him and his sister to start talking again. He poured into my cousin's life and was so thankful that he was able to help him. He thought he might have done some good. (This was huge for my dad) Come to find out, he turned his life around and really began restoring relationships in his life. So, the circle was complete. God turned his latter into greater than his former. His life had value and he now knew it. He didn't have many friends, but the ones that he had he impacted in a powerful way.
I have learned from my dad and for this I am thankful!!
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